Saturday, October 31, 2009

1.5 P

I know I told you all that I will be taking a break from this blogging thing over the weekends, but sometimes something really interesting or funny might happen that I might want to share with you and as I told Richard a few seconds ago: "I make the rules so that I can break them" so if I want to write a post on a Saturday night at 11:42 pm I can.

So something really funny happened this morning. After a fairly rough night of coughing and drinking gallons of water, Rowan got out of bed and came looking for me in our room. I noticed his sleep sack/sleeping bag (which he was still in) was dragging a little more than usual but thought nothing more of it. We made our way down stairs and it was time for Rowan to get dressed. I unzipped the sleep sack and much to my surprise Rowan wasn't wearing a diaper! How weird I thought until I looked down only to find that his drenched diaper had dropped to his ankles! I couldn't help but laugh. I mean what kind of parents would allow their child's diaper to get so wet that it actually falls down!? Anyway, it was so heavy that I did something even more weird... I weighed it - 1.5 pounds!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Let's Call Dad!

After a whole week of being couped up at home we were running out of things to do and decided to call Richard at the office. When Rowan took the phone from me, he very sweetly said: "Hi Daddy." and when Richard spoke back at him he said with a surprised tone in his voice: "It's Daddy!" The two of them spoke for a little while and when it was time to go Rowan said: "Bye-bye Daddy!" and handed me the phone. This was probably the first real conversation that Rowan had on the phone and I knew that Richard must have been feeling very happy and proud at the other end of the line and as it turned out it made his day.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The reason for the mysterious non-eating kid.

So it has come to pass that Rowan has contracted the dreaded Croup! That was probably why he didn't want to eat anything earlier this week, 'cos he was getting sick.
You see, we really don't know much about this parenting thing. We're just learning as we go along. Just like every other parental unit since the first cavebaby was delivered by the first cave-stork to the first caveman and cavewoman. Boy, now those guys must have been confused when the little squirt started barking like a seal.
Although, of course, I am speaking for myself. Elaine insists that she does know lots about being the good Mommy. Actually I would agree with her, and not just 'cos of that big heavy frying pan in her hand.
In the meantime Rowan is being a really tough little kid, he is able to handle the horrible coughs and splutters without much fuss. Sometimes he gets very frustrated with it all but he hardly ever calls for us at night. (However, this is written before we go to bed so I hope I don't have to eat these words tomorrow.)
Today Elaine had to keep the little bundle of crouped-up (Ha-ha) energy calm, and that must have been quite a task. She's a great Mom.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

We Need Your Input Please

Rowan has always been very picky when it comes to food, but over the past year he has become even more so. We started this year with a fairly decent list of foods that Rowan likes to eat, but I am afraid that the list is getting shorter by the day. Seriously. We are down to yogurt, cheese, hot dogs (he eats them cold) and or corn chips for dinner and that is just not going to keep us healthy and strong now is it?

The biggest problem we are having is that he refuses to try anything new. I am sure he must be very bored with his limited selection of foods. I can understand that. I just wish we could get him to try some of the food that Richard and I eat at dinner time. I am sure that once he has tasted it he would like it.

Do any of you have some ideas for us?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Can I Have One?

Up on the very top shelf of our pantry dwells a container filled with sweet fruit jellies. The packages are brightly coloured and made of "Real fruit." (That's what it says at least.) As you can well imagine, it is something that people and especially toddlers should really have limited access to.

As you know, we have been trying to get Rowan to talk a little more clearly, and since he has to ask for these yummy treats way up there, I thought of teaching him to say an entire sentence. So when he gestures with his hands in the direction of the jellies I ask him to tell me what he wants. The first time we did this I asked him to repeat my words so I said: "Can I have one?" His first response to that went along the lines of "Gobaboba." When asked to repeat something he tries to get it over and done with and basically says whatever sounds happen to be produced by his mouth at the time. At least he puts effort into getting the rhythm of the sentence right. I appreciate his effort and usually keep pushing for some better word forming by saying one word and having him repeat it. As soon as he gets the word right we move onto the next one. Sometimes even after the third try he is still really battling with the sounds and then I let him off the hook for trying so hard.

"Can I have one" is a sentence we have been practicing for a while now and it still cracks me up every time and here is why:
Elaine: Rowan, say can.
Rowan: Can.
Elaine: I.
Rowan: Eye (as he closes his eyes tightly.)
Elaine: Have
Rowan: Soh
Elaine: No. Hhaavve.
Rowan: Ssoh.
Rowan: Hah.
Elaine: OK. Now say, one.
Rowan: Two.
Elaine: No. One.
Rowan: Two.
Elaine: No. One.
Rowan: Ohm.
Elaine: OK. That's good enough for today. Here you go. Now say: Can I have a bowl?
Rowan: Bowl.
I find it amusing because Rowan always starts to count at "two." In fact when he counts it is always "two, two, two!" in place of "One, two, three." But who knows? Maybe he really means to say that he wants two of those delicious packets of sweets. Sometimes when I try to get him to say "want" he also says "two" and Richard and I can't help but giggle just a little bit.

Going through this learning experience with Rowan is lots of fun. Hard work, but fun when you pay attention. The other night when I came walking up to him and his Dad he cheerfully yelled out: "It's the bomb! Mom! Mom!" Sometimes a little slip like that can be flattering. What Mama wouldn't love to be referred to as the bomb every now and again?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

When we pulled into the parking lot of the National Air Force Museum all Rowan could do with his excitement was to keep repeating: "Wane! Wane! Wane!" (Plane! Plane! Plane!) as we drove past the planes on exhibit outside the huge hangers. Richard and I couldn't help but wonder what he was going to do once he got inside because the building was absolutely filled with planes. We walked into the first show room bracing ourselves for Rowan's excited burst of joy. Instead he was rather calm and quite interested in looking at the amazing flying machines before him. There were a couple of "wanes" coming from him but not for too long. I guess even he realised he might get tired of saying it by the time he reached the end of this museum. Rowan and Richard walked around while I got to practice taking photographs with my new camera.

The rest of our weekend was spent like all our other weekends - keeping busy with our chores around the house, taking a break every now again for some coffee and milk and cookies. Granddad, guess who will be making you coffee the next time you come to visit? That's right! Rowan has become quite the barista. He loves making "cup" (coffee) for us.

And when you see a thumbs up you know your brew is ready for drinking.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Conductor

Although Rowan spent a large amount of time hopping in and out of buses and trains today, it is actually the conducting of music that is the topic of this post.

After a morning of fun spent amongst a wooden train, bus, tractor, rocket, ship and lots of farm animals we retreated to our playroom with our friend, Olivia, to make some music.

At first we all just chose an instrument and played it in whichever way we pleased. After a while of making the biggest noise possible I decided to introduce a little game. In the midst of our rhythm making I suddenly said "Stop!" and everyone froze in place - silence. Then we started up again. Rowan thought this was great and we repeated this play a few times.

It wasn't long before Rowan took the lead and started telling Olivia and I when to stop playing by lifting his drumsticks/maracas/batons to vertical positions signalling us to stop playing. Then he would start beating the drum again and we could join in. At one point however, just after the stop signal, he shook the maraca in his right hand and I started shaking the shakers I was holding and when he stopped I stopped. He then tried it with his left hand while looking at Olivia and she started up with her instruments. And that was the start of a possible career in conducting for Rowan. He was doing a fantastic job. He even stopped and chose new instruments for us. He conducted the play for a very long time - starting and stopping Olivia and I at separate intervals. I was so impressed by the initiative he took and the fact that he felt so comfortable in leading us through this fun activity.

Please excuse me if it seems like I am bragging. I really don't mean to sound boastful. I just wanted to share my astonishment with all of you.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Oh Yes. Kids Notice Everything.

When Richard arrived home this evening I was rushing around trying to get everything ready before I had to leave for my pottery studio session. Richard came in, put his bag down on the table, greeted us and asked about our day. You know, the usual.

It turns out that we forgot about something very important and our little guy was the only one that really noticed. He went up to Richard, grabbed him by the hand and pulled him over to where I was standing. "Mom!" he said. For just a split second I wasn't sure what he was trying to do, but I very soon realised that Richard and I forgot to hug each other when he was pushing Richard closer to me. So we hugged and Rowan was happy. And of course we pulled him closer too for a big family hug.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Rhythm and Dance

Since my last meeting with Rowan's teachers I have been concerned about how he might be behaving in class, so today I decided to go see for myself. I arrived half an hour earlier than usual and was met with the enchanting sound of children clapping and singing along to some songs about harvest time.

Rowan was sitting in the circle with his legs neatly crossed. When the teacher passed around the tub filled with percussion instruments he very politely waited his turn and chose the wood block and mallet. He then placed them in front of him until all the other kids received their instruments. The music started, they all stood up and started walking in a circle beating to the rhythm of the music. They stomped their feet, jumped and skipped to the beat. Soon I was tapping my feet too and smiling from ear to ear.

Seeing Rowan enjoying music in a group setting was so pleasing to me. He has indeed come a long way from the little kid that wanted to run away when faced with such a situation. He is benefiting so much from going to school and I am so glad that we decided to give it a try. He is becoming more independent by the day and he is happy about that.

Monday, October 19, 2009

A Colourful Start To Our Week

Oh wow! What a beautiful autumn day we had today! The air was cool but the sun was shining and the blue sky complimented the orange, red, yellow and brown of the changing trees wonderfully.

Grateful for one more opportunity to enjoy this mild weather we decided to take the boat out on the lake just before sunset. It was so peaceful out there and it turned what could easily have been just another ordinary Monday into a very special day indeed.

We had a great time.

Here Rowan was gazing at the sunset. It was very impressive.

After our colourful boat ride it was time for Rowan to show us some of the work that he did at school today. The red butterfly was created through a special arts program that came to his school. I assume the teachers painted the black body of the butterfly and got the kids to do the wings. Rowan is always proud of the work he did at school and loves to share it with us. I love it too and think we will be splashing a lot more colour throughout the coming Winter.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


We were very busy again this weekend with lots of small projects that needed to be done around the house and as the weekend was drawing to a close I was worried that I wouldn't have much to write about until something very special happened around 5 p.m.

As you know, Rowan has always had some special names for me. I have been called every name except "mommy" or "mom". But today, oh today, all that changed and he made me the happiest mom ever! I was busy in the studio when Rowan came running up to me shouting: "Mom! Mom!" I was delighted. At last! I gave him a very happy and appreciative smile and hug as I said: "You did it! You said mom! Yay!" (my eyes filling with happy tears). He seemed quite surprised by my reaction and I really can't blame him. He also must have liked it quite a bit because he said it a few more times during the course of the evening.

Later on he wanted some crackers and said: "Mom, ge'm (get them)" and I jumped right to it. Let me tell you, for the time being, every time he asks for something and includes the word, mom in his request he is most likely going to get what he wants because this mom's heart melts when she hears her name coming from his sweet little voice.

Friday, October 16, 2009

General Announcement

Hi everyone,

At the outset of this blog it was my intention to write something every day and it worked for me for a long time now. I have since decided that I will be taking a break over the weekends. A break will actually be good for all of us. I will feel refreshed and excited about writing after the weekend and you will hopefully get some better quality writing and observations from my side.

Hope you are not too disappointed.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

This evening I attended a parent's Montessori education evening where the teachers defined their classroom methods and demonstrated some of the works that the children are currently being exposed to.

The event turned out to be very informative and this was not because I learnt anything new about the Montessori method as such, but because I learnt some very interesting things about our son's classroom behaviour.

The teacher was explaining to us how some of the activities are done and her one example was pouring water from a pitcher into a cup and then back again. Now most of the Montessori activities are done on trays for the obvious reason that when the water, beads or rice is spilled it won't go everywhere. She explained how when the children make a mess, they have to clean it up. She then added how SOME kids really enjoy the cleaning up part of this activity and that THIS kid actually immediately and deliberately pours his water from the pitcher directly into the tray just so that he can run back and forth with a sponge in order to clean up the mess. One of the other mothers hesitated and then said that she thinks it must be her son, but I knew that this kid was in fact our kid. So I bravely owned up to being the Mom of the kid that takes the shortcuts because I actually witnessed him doing the exact same thing two days ago at home. The teachers just kind of smiled and raised their eyebrows indicating that this was in fact the case. They also added that it was okay and that they let him do it because it is obviously something that he is interested in. So I felt okay too.

But then they told the story of how they now only have two globes instead of three and when they mentioned the fact that one of the globes had been dropped by a certain someone, one of the teachers flashed a look at me that made me want to disappear on the spot. I mean I know what Rowan does when he thinks something is a ball. He throws it! Tomatoes and apples have been tossed around the kitchen so why not a big round shiny representation of our lovely mother earth.

So by now I have been convinced that Rowan keeps his teachers on their toes and really didn't expect there to be another issue, but I was wrong. In a Montessori classroom they try to encourage the exploration of all the senses. All except for sound they said because sometimes it gets a little too loud when other children need to be concentrating on their own work. So sound and music work is restricted to certain times. But there is one little boy that can turn just about any object into a drum. When I saw those two teachers look at each other with a camaraderie that can only come from facing challenging situations together, I just new it was our little guy that they were referring to again. Sigh! He does love his drumming though. He even says "drumming" a few times a day and makes us follow him around the house, each banging our own drums. He must wonder why all the kids in the class don't get up and follow him around too.

All in all it was a good evening and I have confidence that he will continue challenging the way things are "supposed" to be done and you know what? I am actually fine with that. Creativity is very useful in life. Way to go Rowan!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Thanks to my dear friend, Lynn's comment on yesterdays post, Rowan and I ended up having a very peaceful day filled with yeses. Here is some of what she wrote: "The more the yeses, the fewer the nos,the better the day goes!Have a lovely 'yes' day tomorrow!" And so we did.

Somehow that little poem stuck with me and I managed to go through the entire days without saying no to Rowan and you know what? He only tried to test me once today and when he realised that I wasn't going to say: "No! Uh-uh!" he stopped. It takes some quick thinking to come up with something appropriate to say every time but it was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be.

So Lynn, thanks for the encouragement. We are going to try to keep it up.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

There are many knowledgeable people that are of the opinion that saying 'no' to a child too often will not only become an ineffective deterrent but also will encourage the child to start using the word more often. So I have been trying not to say 'no' all the time but you know, it really is hard when for instance he is backing into the coffee table where a hot mug of coffee is just waiting to be spilled or perhaps when he runs out into the parking lot. Then there was the time when he nearly grabbed hold of a very hot stove top. Now I know that saying 'no' in these instances is perfectly acceptable, the problem comes in when near disasters happen too often and saying 'no' becomes a habit. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I say 'no' way too often and am beginning to sound like a broken record (or maybe a scratched CD.) Rowan proved that to me this evening.

This evening I happened upon a little boy perched on his table in our kitchen. It would not have occurred to me that he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing if it wasn't for the "No! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!" coming from him in an almost taunting manner. I could not believe my ears! This almost three year old little boy was deliberately doing something he knew I wouldn't like to get my attention and then when I didn't notice it at first he began with the taunt. I am flabbergasted! At such a young age! What are we going to do when this kind of behaviour is no longer cute? Deep breath... Sigh!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Rowan has shown a lot of improvement in his speech lately. "Help" has turned into "help me" and "Go to train" has been lengthened to "I want to go to the train." My favourite right now is actually just a simple but significant improvement of one very small word. Up until now Rowan has been saying "yeah" to indicate an affirmative but since yesterday he has been attempting to say "yes." The cute thing about it is the way that he says it. He starts with "yeah" and after a pause of less than a second, adds a very slurry "s" at the end. As he says it you can see he is consciously thinking about this new add-on and he feels very happy with himself when I smile at him and say "Yes my boy. Yes."

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sunny autumn days are for spending time outdoors, attending your favourite fall festival, getting lost in the spectrum of colours above and below, gathering the last yield from your summer vegetable garden and preparing yourself and your environment for the cold winter to come.

This weekend we stepped out under the sunny skies of Ohio.

The Yellow Springs Street Fair offers one of the most colourful events you will ever experience this side of the US: beautifully rich handcrafted goods brought to you by colourful individuals happy to share their passion for good quality products produced in socially and environmentally responsible ways. Every visit to this street fair leaves us feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

At home it was time to walk around the yard, picking up the summer toys and putting them away in storage. We also tended to our garden and started to reorganise the garage in the hope that we can eventually fit two cars, a ride-on lawnmower, and a boat together with all the garden implements, bikes, wood and tools in it. Richard has a plan and as long as Rowan allows him to put things away once and for all, I think we might be able to do it before winter comes.

We also had some tomato plants to tend to. It is really hard to spot them while they are all still green which makes it extra fun when you finally find them. "There it is!" Rowan shouts excitedly as he points and grabs at the unripened tomatoes. Now we just need to figure out what to do with them. Fried green tomatoes comes to mind or perhaps a green tomato chutney will be nice too.

As we walk around our garden the cool air reminds us of colder days to come and encourages us to reflect on all the warm and wonderful times we got to spend together in our garden and even though winter offers a warmth and coziness of it's own, we cannot help but feel a little bit sad about all the time that has passed within the blink of an eye.

The tree we planted for my mother at the time of her passing has undergone a tremendous transformation. It has been almost four months since we rooted it in that very special place and over the last two weeks we have seen it slowly change colour from green to orange and finally a deep scarlet red. Being witness to the change of the seasons is quite incredible. It is as if the passage of time is being painted right in front of you. Time passes. Life moves on. You heal. You love and you laugh.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

When I made these clay pebbles at pottery class everyone asked what they were for. I didn't really know at the time. All I knew was that I liked them. Rowan likes them too and it seems they are perfect little objects for sorting. I am sure we are still going to find many other uses for them.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

At the beginning of this week, we made a very important decision. We decided to remove the DVD player from the back of the car. This means that Rowan now has to rely on the scenery outside and the conversations inside the car for entertainment as we drive about.

I am so glad we did this and wonder why we didn't do it sooner because now he talks a lot more about what he sees around him. I still don't always understand what he says but am glad to hear the excitement in his tone as he points at this and that. He also asks, "What's that?" quite often.

When we go on fairly long drives he gets a little tired of looking outside and listening to his parents babbling on and on and does something very clever to draw all the attention to himself and thus gets us to finally keep quiet. What does he do? He sings.

This afternoon he was singing something to the effect of "gibberish, gibberish, shoe! gibberish, gibberish, daddy!" Always ending a line with an intelligible word. Most of the song is calm and melodic. This evening however, the calm "gibberish, gibberish, daddy!" suddenly lead into a headbanging "Car! Car! Car! Car!" as he rocked his head from side to side bashing it against the sides of the car seat head rest. Something inside must have stirred and we looked on somewhat entertained but mostly mystified and a little bit shocked by this almost 3 year old rocking out in our car. Rock on Rowan!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Have you ever noticed just how many round objects we are surrounded by in our daily lives? You mean you haven't given it much thought lately? Well, it seems that Rowan has.

A few weeks ago Rowan started looking for clocks - round faced clocks in particular. Everywhere we went he would find a clock and tell us about it by pointing and saying "gock." Driving through the streets downtown, he would search the tops of buildings to see if he could spot a clock. While dining with Richard in one of the local restaurants he was looking around and amazingly spotted a clock hanging on the wall in the kitchen. His story books also have an amazing number of clocks in them.

Then as time passed he moved on from the circular clock to the spherical ball. Now when we drive around he spots balls everywhere. This morning on the way to school, he pointed out the window towards the sky and said "ball!" At first I couldn't understand what he was seeing because the sky was covered in clouds and when you don't acknowledge that you see the same thing he is seeing, he keeps repeating the word. "Ball!. Ball!!. Ball!!!" - each one getting louder and higher in pitch. Then I saw it. There it was. The biggest ball I have ever seen, resting on six tall legs - the water tower! Less than a minute later we were driving past a very rectangular building and again he got excited about the ball. I had to look carefully and finally spotted the spherical lamp shades on top of the light posts. We even saw a hot air balloon.

Just imagine if we could get our hands on an atomic force microscope that will allow Rowan to see the spheres present in the tiniest of molecules or perhaps a view through the Hubble telescope revealing billions and billions of sparkly balls floating about. I think I know what his reaction might be. Yup, all this boy would say to that is: "Look! Ball!" And he would be perfectly accurate in his observations.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Over the weekend Rowan showed a renewed interest in bugs. On Saturday he spotted a bug on the window and called me over. It was quite a big bug so we were able to see it's legs, eyes and mouth. I pointed them out to Rowan and he watched the bug move around for quite a while.

Ever since, he has been calling me over to look at every little bug he finds. So now when I hear "Buggy!" in an excited high pitch screech, I know what to expect and always hope that it would again just be a bug of the harmless variety. Luckily, the bugs that drew his attention this afternoon were just some very cute ladybugs that hitched a ride from the nursery to our front yard along with the rest of the trees we bought.

Shortly after inspecting the ladybugs, two planes flew by and when Rowan saw them he felt inspired to run across the lawn, arms stretched out shouting: "Flying!" as he turned one way and then the other swooping his wings through the cool evening air.

Later on our neighbours popped by for a visit. Rowan was quite happy when he saw them walking across the road and went out to meet them. Here they are having some fun in the sand box.

All in all we had a good day. We are loving the weather and are trying to make the best out of every little bit of mild weather we have left. Winter is fast approaching and although we are looking forward to the cozy warmth of our home during the long Winter months we would still like for autumn to stick around for just a little while longer.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

After another very busy day of working in the garden and doing some household chores, we are all exhausted and a little sun burnt. So for today's post all we would like to do is to wish you all a very good week.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Our entire day revolved around the acquisition of some new shrubs and trees for our garden from a nearby nursery that was having an auction.

This was our very first auction. We didn't know much about auctions and thought that it would probably be a quick process and so we went there as a family. At first Rowan was quite happy running around playing with the rockies (his new favourite word) and exploring the nursery. So all was fine until the auctioneer started with his rambling over a loud speaker. Rowan was quite disturbed by this and from then on wanted to be somewhere else. So he and Richard came home and trusted me to make the most of our money and I think I did quite well.

We ended up getting three large trees, an elm, a pear tree and a lilac tree. We also bought several shrubs, bushes and grasses. We payed on average about 1/3 of the regular price. For now I am convinced that this is the only way to go when it comes to buying plants for a large area.

When we got home it was time to plant some of what have bought. Rowan helped wherever he could. As we were busy in our front yard, Rowan also took the time to wave happily at every car that drove past.

This afternoon of planting proved once again just how good it makes children feel when you include them in your day to day activities. They like to help out and it fills them with pride and self esteem knowing that they too are contributing in some way and that you see them as equal members in the family.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Ever since Rowan received his toy trucks in the mail, he expects every cardboard box that comes through our door to have a car in it.

As Richard walked through the door today carrying two sealed boxes, Rowan's eyes got really big and sparkly. "Bocky! (box) Car! Car!" he said excitedly not knowing that these two boxes were actually for me. The exact same thing also happened yesterday. Luckily, he doesn't seem too disappointed when he realises it isn't what he was expecting.

As for the two trucks he received a while ago... well they have been put away for a little while, since they were the only things he would play with and when he got bored of them he would stick small pieces of chalk into any and every hole he could find claiming they were hiding. So we thought a little break would be good. Just imagine how happy he is going to be when we bring them out again. Perhaps this weekend will be a good time to do just that.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Tonight we attended our very first school picnic at Rowan's school. We got to meet other parents and their families.

One of Rowan's classmates, a very sweet and well-behaved little boy, has been keeping his Mom up to date on Rowan's progress at school. She said she was so relieved to hear from her little boy that Rowan was settling in well at school and not crying anymore. I laughed when I heard this, because this was the same little boy that, when Rowan was crying in the class, would very casually cover his ears with his hands and wait for Rowan to stop crying. He didn't say a word to Rowan. He just calmly sat there and waited for the noise to stop. I think he knew what Rowan felt like at that point in time because a half and hour earlier, Rowan and this little friend of his were the only ones standing at the edge of the playground crying non-stop for over twenty minutes. And tonight, after a whole month of school these two boys were running around as if they owned the place and two pairs of parents were very glad to see it.